This blog has, as of late, become a place I do not like to visit because it encourages me to expel everything currently in my head and I can’t see all that on a screen. It feels best at the moment to leave all of it in the dark recesses of my head where no one can see and even I can keep myself from visiting such thoughts. This is a pretty bad idea. I know that. But at the same time, I keep hoping that I’m drawing closer to this imaginary point in time when all of this stuff that’s bothering me will become moot. None of it will matter anymore because my circumstances will have changed. This is not true. Nothing like that is going to happen.
Sometimes I think I’ve achieved a form of happiness and then I assault myself with even more questions to be analyzed and answered. I wonder sometimes what I actually look like. Or rather, I know what I look like but often I wonder what other people see. Do people in my life think I’m beautiful or ugly; or do they not even see me anymore? The best times I think are when I’m able to answer the question to a certain extent; I imagine myself moving through life and looking completely different. Other times I feel like I’m getting closer to that ideal point when the question will become immaterial. Maybe someday, I won’t really care what I think I look like. I won’t care what other people think I look like. Maybe someday I’ll never have to think about looking at myself again.
I have not worked enough on my Snakes and Ladders game.
Things are not good right now. That is the best way I know how to describe what things are currently like. I wish that I knew how to change them back to being good or being peaceful, but I just don’t know how to do that right now. Not thinking about the bad stuff is helping a bit even though it makes me feel like I’m just avoiding problems. But maybe I’m not avoiding my problems. More and more I feel as though the walls I’m butting my head against just aren’t going to move—these are not walls but crazy undersea mountains that are miles high—and the best thing to do right now is to just stop thinking.
So I’m going to do other things that don’t involve the people or things that are making me feel so bad. I am going to try really hard to write more—jotting down words or phrases in my notebook shouldn’t count. If I have an idea, I should take the time to make something of it.
Last night I even cooked for myself and it wasn’t half bad. I’m not a particularly skilled cook so perhaps this shall be the first entry in a new photo series.
Not-A-Bad-Meal #1: Spanish Rice, Sausage, Green Beans
Would it be good or bad to know what one wanted out of life? Would that feel freeing or restrictive? I don’t know what I want out of tomorrow, let alone the next few months or years and so for the moment I fill my life with trivia. I read books that aren’t for class or related to my studies. I plan projects that serve no practical purpose. I fill my days but with things that are ultimately directionless.
In the next few months, I’m going to construct a giant game of Snakes and Ladders. I feel nearly as calm thinking about this plan as I feel when I fall asleep with all my homework completed.